Anxiety has been a part of my life longer than I can remember. My Anxiety ruined some of which should have been the happiest and most memorable days of my life. My anxiety plays scenarios in my head that are probably never going to happen. My anxiety makes me want to hate myself and forces me to believe that everyone around me does too.
Because of my anxiety, I overanalyse every text, every situation, everything. If someone takes too long to reply to my text, I will start making up scenarios and assumptions that are nowhere near true. What have I done? They don’t like me. Why are they taking too long? They have clearly read my message. I’ve annoyed them. They probably most likely hate me. I will overthink the situation so much and stress myself out. I hate sending the first message. There is always that fear of rejection. Just the thought of knowing that someone has read my message and ignored, makes me feel so anxious and sick. Then I will get a reply after a while and if that message is short or a quick reply, I’ll overanalyse and dig into the details. They have only replied just to be nice. I shouldn’t have sent that text anyway. I’m probably just being annoying. I come up with the worst possible scenarios. I HATE THAT.
My anxiety always convinces me of the worst. If I try to make plans with someone and they can’t do that day or that weekend, I’ll convince myself that they hate me. They probably never wanted to hang out with me anyway. I’ll believe that they are making excuses and just lying to me. I’m sorry. My anxiety constantly convinces me to apologise for things that no one cares about. My anxiety, that voice inside my head never shuts up.
My anxiety turns every positive into a negative. My anxiety makes me feel like everyone, even the world is against me. My anxiety convinces me to believe that everyone is staring and laughing at me. I’ll assume that everyone just hates me. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know how to act like a ‘normal person’.
My anxiety makes me question everything, it makes me question if there is something wrong with me. It makes me think how anyone can enjoy being around me. Have they just invited me to be nice? Surely, they would be having a better time if I wasn’t here. I love my friends and they have proved repeatedly that they will always be there for me. But, because of my anxiety I can’t stop doubting myself.
Everything is difficult for me, friendships even relationships. If a friend or anyone in fact, asks me out for dinner I will question their intentions. Can I take myself out to dinner and go through the whole evening without embarrassing myself? What if they get bored of me? They probably will never want to see me again. Honestly, I really don’t understand people but, I think I don’t even understand myself sometimes.
I think this is why it’s so difficult for me to socialise. When I’m trying to have a conversation with someone and I’m supposed to be listening to them, I get distracted by a million of my own thoughts. I get more stressed and nervous about how I am coming across to them, than what they are telling me. As I’m sat opposite that person, half listening to what they are telling me. I’m questioning my every move, my every blink, my every breath I take and my every gesture. I’m terrified, I’m terrified of looking ‘stupid’.
Anxiety makes me question everything in life, especially myself.
I only notice my flaws.