“What are you apologising for.”
I think to myself as a million thoughts rush through my mind, then I realise how ridiculous I sound. You see, my anxiety makes me apologise for almost everything. And I hate that. My anxiety always convinces me that I am constantly making mistakes. Anxiety makes me question everyone and everything. It convinces me to believe the scenarios that it’s placed in my head, and I always believe them to be true. I then apologise for things that may not have even crossed someone’s mind.
You can never be fully cured of anxiety, not with pills, a cast or even an IV. It isn’t something that will magically disappear. It’s not like having a broken arm or having a cold. It’s a part of you. Always there. It’s a voice inside your head, that never shuts up.
I’m tired. I’m tired of constantly apologising. Apologising for cancelling plans because I couldn’t get myself out of bed. Apologising for turning up late because my hands just wouldn’t stop shaking. Apologising for asking too many questions. Apologising for being a bad friend. Apologising for talking too much. Apologising for texting too much. Apologising for being a burden. Apologising for the fact that I apologised.
Anxiety makes me overanalyse every situation,“What if” they take what I said the wrong way. It’s always that “what if” scenario that never lets me sleep at night. Anxiety makes me want to hate myself and convinces me to believe that everyone around me does too. It’s a constant battle of me vs myself. But, I have no control over it. How can I control something that has been a part of my life longer than I can remember.
I hate the fact that my anxiety doesn’t let me forget my past mistakes, that I still haven’t forgiven myself for. I’ll stay up at night worrying not only over the mistakes from my past but, the things that haven’t even happened yet.
I hate worrying about everything.
I hate the anxiety of not knowing, I have to plan everything in advance, in lists, ideas, checklists and schedules. I’ll research into every possible scenario before I make any move. Anxiety makes me feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I’ve become so good at hiding the fact that I’m tired because I never got any sleep the night before, overthinking situations that might never happen. The fact that I had a panic attack before I left the house. The fact that it took me over an hour to get ready and find something to wear because my anxiety told me that everything looks terrible on me.
I’ll hide it behind nail-biting, clenching my hands from shaking too much, looking around to avoid eye contact now and again. Listening instead of talking too much. Hiding it underneath the smile that I’m struggling to make. I’ve become good at hiding my anxiety underneath a ‘smile.’
And if you’ve known me for a while you will pick up and know how big of a role anxiety plays in my life. And I will apologise.
I’ve come to accept the fact that anxiety isn’t going to leave me. So I’ll always be sorry. Anxiety is always going to be a part of me and instead of running away from it, I have now learnt to accept and embrace it.