Being a human is exhausting

These past few weeks I’ve been feeling very shitty, sad and ugly. I’ve been turning up to work with no make-up on. There was a time where I wouldn’t leave the house if I didn’t have make-up on. I feel like I’ve lost my creativity, I’m just constantly tired. I’m having writer’s block. I haven’t touched my novel in weeks. I kinda just want to run away from this world and hide. I want to cry, I want to scream. Then there is a part of me that feels like ‘Why the fuck should I even bother or even care anymore’. But the other part is yelling back at me ‘You can do this’. You know what? Being a human is exhausting.

Being a human is hard, actually, it’s very fucking hard. Like, come on people it’s 2018 and here we are still trying to convince people to care, to give a shit and to be good people. When in fact this should be basic common sense. Fact: It’s not hard to be a decent, nice and good human being.

Our daily routines involve us waking up ridiculously early. Getting ready and making ourselves look presentable and professional, grabbing our coffee and rushing out the door to catch a train, and then going to a place where half of us don’t really want to be. But, we don’t really have a choice, we kinda have to be there, we kinda have to work and we kinda have to do what we are told. We put smiles on our faces and try our best to hold back the tears. We act as if everything is okay when in reality nothing is okay.

I like to know where I’m going and what I’m doing. I like to have my life planned out in lists and ideas and maps. But recently, I have no fucking idea where my life is going. It’s hard being a human. It’s kinda funny how we go through life pretending we have our shit together when in reality, most of us are probably falling apart. We try our best to pretend to look happy, make our lives look glamorous for the pictures we choose to show to the world. We then compare ourselves to everyone else’s highlights and make ourselves feel like we are falling behind in life.

Why does no-one talk about how hard it is to be a human? Why do we pretend that we have our shit together? Why do we not talk about the times when we are falling apart? When we are feeling sad? Why do we only talk about the times we have our shit together and when we are happy?… Because people can’t deal with dark or scary or weird. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

So, we pretend that we are okay. When in reality our world is falling apart.

Mariam x

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