Dear 2018, I’m ready to let you go

I am so ready to let you go. You were defiantly not the best, easiest or the happiest and I am ready to say goodbye to you. You bought me sadness after sadness and disappointment after disappointment. There have been times this year where I could barely hold myself together, I completely lost myself. 2018, you will defiantly not be missed.

2018, you have certainly taught me a lot. I’ve learnt many lessons this year and I learnt them the hard way. You taught me that change can be a painful thing. I don’t deal with change very well, it’s something that puts my anxiety through the roof. But, I’ve come to learn that pain is actually a sign of growth. I’ve come to learn that struggles are good, because that means you are moving forward. You’ve taught me that I need to always be brave and have courage, in order to succeed in life and grab onto every opportunity that comes my way. 2018, you taught me that I always need to stay positive even when life throws a lot of things my way. This year you taught me to believe in myself because I don’t really have any other choice. You also taught me that the only person I can control is me and the only person I can really count on is myself. You taught me to always have ‘hope’, and I’ve come to learn that ‘hope’ is the most powerful word in the English dictionary.

You taught me that no matter how good or kind of a person you are, you will get hurt. You taught me that you will come across and work with people that don’t care how you feel. They don’t care how shit they’ve made you feel. Some people just don’t care when their actions have hurt others. You taught me that some people are just terrible human beings. Some people will make you feel dumb and make you feel like you are not worthy, and that will satisfy them. You taught me that some people don’t have the same heart as you. You taught me that nobody really knows your story. Nor, do you really know theirs. So, be kind, always.

2018, after everything, I forgive you. I forgive you for all the struggles, the tears, the stress and uncertainty that you placed in my life. I forgive you for the times you made me cry myself to sleep. I forgive you for not going the direction that I wanted you to go. 2018, as much as I want to forget you, I don’t think I can. I will always remember you, you will be the year I look back on to avoid making future mistakes. You will the year that will remind me why I shouldn’t get close to anyone again or maybe you might be the year that finally bought me closer to myself and which eventually leads me to change and rediscover myself.

2018, as much as I am happy to say goodbye to you, I appreciate you. If it wasn’t for you I would never have met some incredible people that I’ve come to call my friends, whom without the past few months would have been impossible to get through (a shout out to Nilupa, and many others) thank you! I’ve certainly made a lot of memories, I’ve laughed a lot, and as much as you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of being alive, after everything, there have been times that made me feel happy to be alive. 2018, you threw a lot at me, you sure as hell tested me, I struggled, I really really did. But, I really appreciate you for giving me those little ‘happy’ moment that helped me to keep going and keep believing that maybe not now, but, it will get better. And thank you for teaching me to always have ‘hope’.

2019.. I think I’m ready for whatever you will throw at me. Because I think I’ve proved in 2018 that I can handle pretty much anything that you throw at me. I don’t know what to expect. But, I’m not putting my hopes up too high. I think I’m defiantly ready to write my new story, on a clean slate. I will try and make it a year of me. I promise that I will face everything with nothing but courage, optimism, and resilience. I promise to stay true to myself.

Mariam x

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