Someone said to me the other day that I seem to have my “life together”, I looked at them and I wanted to laugh. Damn, I am far from it, I wish. I’ve just finished my PGCE and my god was it a stressful year. I’ve had many ups and downs this year so far, more downs than up. I’m so glad I’ve got my teaching degree, I now have THREE degrees in total. Wow. But, I am far from having my life together. I turned down a teaching job back in June because I felt like the college wasn’t the right fit for me. I wasn’t ready for it. After the year I’ve had, I wanted a little break. A little break to figure myself out and start off my children’s writing career. I know what it feels like to go through a teaching interview and my god they are tough. The way I see it now, is that I know I can get through a teaching interview, the feedback that I received was great. And the college said that they would be more than happy for me to apply again for a post in the future. I’m glad I was honest and told them that I was not ready, which they appreciated. I currently have a part-time job so I do have some sort of income coming in.
“Happiness isn’t a rush, you don’t have to keep up with anyone. Just keep up with yourself. That will do” – Pillow thoughts.
Over the past few months, I feel like I’ve lost my creativity, I haven’t been able to sit and write anything good at all. I stopped forced myself to write. I’ve literally just been sat staring at my screen and erasing sentences that don’t make sense. I’ve had a few days off work this week and I went away, which has done me the world of good. I had the chance to explore, sit and think about life.
I’m quite lucky that I have a very diverse group of friends around me, I have some friends that are well into their career, I have some friends that have just started their careers and I have some friends that still have no idea what they are doing with their life. I have a friend whose been teaching for a few years, she has just bought her own house and is getting married soon. I have a friend whose also been teaching for a few years, she’s single and rents a flat in the city. I have a friend whose just completed her Masters in Law and has just moved to London for a job, a few weeks in and she isn’t sure that the job is right for her. I have a friend whose just completed her placement year at uni in a law firm and is now about to start her final year of university. I have a friend whose coming back home soon after travelling for a year. All these girls are doing amazing and are my biggest inspirations in life. Everyone has their own timelines in life, it’s not a race to see who buys their first house, who gets married first, who earns a lot of money first. To be fair, growing up I remember it being drilled into me that I need to get good grades at school, to get into university, to get a good job and the end goal? Is financial stability. It’s like from day one we are told what is expected from us, we are expected to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives at the age of just 16. I’m 24 with three degrees and I can tell you even now, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I don’t think anyone does.
Right now, I feel more lost and confused than I’ve ever been in my life. I want to teach, I want to write, I love taking pictures and I want to blog. We all have plans, we all have dreams but, life doesn’t always go the way we plan. And I think that’s okay. Sometimes, I feel like I am so good at convincing myself that I do have my shit together, that I know what I am doing with my life. And goodness, it feels so good. But damn, I wish I had my shit together.
What people don’t see. These past few weeks I’ve been living off coffee and skipping breakfast, I’ve done this more times than I would like to admit, there have been days where I have been sat crying in my car parked at train station because I could just not face the day ahead. There have been days where my anxiety has been so bad that I literally could not get out of bed. I have therapy on a weekly basis, because I have faced hurdles after hurdles this past year. I haven’t been very good at texting my friends back or being there for them, when I know that they need me. I’ve lost quite a few friends, I know that I’ve been a very shitty friend. People don’t see the panic attack I had before leaving the house in the morning, they don’t see the tears I’ve cried before falling asleep. They don’t see how stressed I am because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. They don’t see my mental illness that I’m fighting every single day.
Honestly, I feel like no one has their shit together. I think we need to learn to slow down, we need to stop running. Life is not a race. Your friends, siblings and everyone around you are not your competitors. We all move through this life at a different rate. We all pass through the world at a different speed. So, does anyone really have their ‘shit’ together? Or have we all just become so good at lying, pretending and faking that we sort of have our shit together.