Confessions of a confused twenty-something.

So, I feel like I’ve lost my creativity. I’ve been avoiding to write anything and I’ve been convincing myself that I am stuck in writers block. Is that even a thing? And I’ve been trying to avoid forcing myself to write. I don’t know what I want this post to be about so, I’m just going to carry on writing and see what I end up with. It’s 3:41 and I finished work early, I’m sat in a coffee shop (Cafe Nero) in Birmingham New Street station doing some admin things that I’ve been procrastinating on for weeks. Which I still haven’t got done. I’ve been looking at my website and I felt like I haven’t wrote anything in a while and got a bit sad. 

My life since finishing my teaching degree has been a little bit crazy, my mental health is at its worst its ever been and I feel so lost and confused about every single thing in my life. I’m having therapy on a weekly basis which right now, I don’t think I could live without. I’ve been stress eating a lot and I feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight and I still haven’t joined the gym which I’ve been promising myself I will every week.

Why does no one tell you how lost you will feel after finishing university or how confusing your twenties will be. One minute I feel like I have my life together and the next, I’m crying over everything and anything. There are days when I feel like I have failed in life and the next I tell myself I have three degrees and I’m doing the best I can. There will be days where I feel like I have my shit together and the next I’m falling apart. Honestly, the one moment I feel like I have my life together is when I grab my morning coffee from Starbucks and my barista knows my name and order without me saying. 

I feel like your twenties are the most hardest years of your life. I’m just about to turn 25 and as I scroll through my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook feed the people I knew from school and university some are now engaged, some are married, some are just about to have their third child and some are home owners. Seriously, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Because, I am no where near achieving any of the above and I’m more close to 30 than I am 20. Writing that out has made me feel even more shit than I already do. Oh, and is losing friends in your twenties normal? When I say normal, do friends that you thought you’d be close to forever just one day stop talking to you without giving an explanation? 

Okay, so it’s 3:58 and there are two friends sat behind me catching up on each others life and they don’t look much older than me and my god, it sounds like they have their life together. Whilst I’m sat here on my third mint tea of the day. I wonder if they really do have their life together or are they just pretending that they do. Damn, is there ever a point in life where people do have their lives together? Or do we all just fake our way through life pretending we have our shit together. Because I think I’ve become quite good at that. Is this something every twenty-something does?. 

Honestly, I sure as hell know that your twenties are the most confusing years of your life and I think I’ve finally become okay with not having achieved the milestones that my peers from school and acquaintances already have. As a confused twenty-something I think it’s okay to give yourself time to figure out what you really want to do. 

Mariam x

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