This is what anxiety really is…

IMG_2039_Facetune_28-09-2019-10-56-42For most of my life, I’ve lived my life by to do lists, excel sheets, google calendars, planners, itineraries, and daydreams that I saw as rehearsals for the real thing. Over the past year, I’ve come to learn that yes, you can schedule lunch, but you shouldn’t schedule life. For most my life, ever since I can remember, I’ve always been anxious. Anxiety has been a part of me longer than I can remember.

Lets talk about anxiety. Since yesterday, I’ve been feeling anxious, very anxious. I haven’t been able to sleep, I keep tossing and turning. My brain hasn’t been able to shut off. All my thoughts that I’ve been overthinking just before going to sleep and all my worst fears become a reality in my dreams and nightmares.

Anxiety is more than just worrying. It’s waking up and still feeling tired because it took you till 3am to shut your eyes. Anxiety is feeling agitated, not being able to sit down and relax, you have to constantly keep yourself busy.

Anxiety is replying to text messages very fast because you think “what if they took it the wrong way?” Its constantly worrying “how do I word this properly.” Anxiety is breathing so fast, whilst waiting for an answer of the message you just sent. Whilst your brain makes up scenarios in your mind of what the other person might be thinking or doing.  And if they don’t reply, your anxiety kills you inside.  You keep telling yourself “It’s okay, they might just be busy” or “they might not have read it yet”. IMG_2389

But, anxiety doesn’t stop there. Anxiety is the voice inside your head that tells you “Maybe, they are ignoring you” or “maybe you are just annoying them.” Anxiety is believing every scenario your mind makes up. Anxiety is jumping to conclusions.

Anxiety is thinking too much, it’s caring too much. Honestly, people who have anxiety are just too over-caring. Anxiety is having sweaty palms, your heart beating really fast, biting the skin around your nails till they bleed, it’s the constant state of worrying. But, no one can see that. You appear confident and care free but really you are far from it.

Anxiety is saying “I’m sorry” for things that that don’t need an apology. Anxiety is trying too hard. Anxiety is the fear of failing. Anxiety is the fear of people not liking you. Anxiety is trying to please other people and meet their expectations even if you’re killing yourself to do so. Anxiety is crying, crying in your car whilst parked up at work because you are just so overwhelmed with life. Anxiety is procrastination, you constantly avoid doing things and holding them off, with the fear of failing.  Anxiety is the constant voice inside your head that tells you “you’ll fail”.

Anxiety is wanting to fix something that isn’t even a problem.

Above all, anxiety is about caring too much, it’s about wanting to be accepted and liked. Anxiety is wanting to succeed, its never wanting to do anything wrong.

Mariam. x

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