What overthinking really is

Yes, I drive myself crazy by overthinking everything. And I mean everything, from the things I say and do to what others say and do.

Overthinking is spending nights tossing and turning. Not being able to sleep because your past mistakes have come to haunt you. But, you don’t just overthink those past mistakes you overthink the things that haven’t even happened yet.

It’s your brain never being able to shut off.

I don’t think that I’m an easy person to be friends with. I have that constant fear that people are going to leave me, so I sometimes push them away myself. I’m sorry. It’s both physically and emotionally exhausting that my brain never shuts off or slows down.

Overthinking is like you are waiting for something to happen but, you don’t know what. That constant fear that something is going to go wrong or something bad will happen.

Then you apologise for everything. Apologise for the things that haven’t even crossed the other persons mind. You always think of the worst possible scenario. You always end up listening to that voice inside your head.

Overthinking also means caring too much. Caring too much about hurting people. Caring too much about their opinion. Things that shouldn’t even impact you. Overthinking is phrasing your sentences and choosing the right words to say when talking to someone, because you don’t want to hurt them in any way. You constantly wonder “What have I done,” “how can I fix this” and “why don’t they like me?.”

Overthinking is noticing the slightest bit of change in peoples behaviour, through text or their tone of voice. Then wondering and re-reading texts “what you could have I done”.

Overthinking means preparing situations beforehand because the unknown situation scare you. One good thing about my overthinking is that I do well in interviews. I’ll spend hours preparing every possible question that I could be asked, then I end up looking like I actually know what I’m talking about.

No matter how happy I am, If things are going great I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something bad to happen. Someone to ruin it, something to go wrong. It’s like I’m expecting it to happen.

When people say “stop worrying” or “stop overthinking” it’s the ‘what ifs’ that torture every inch of my body. Telling me to stop worrying is not the way to ease my mind. It doesn’t stop the millions of thoughts that are rushing through my mind.

People that overthink ask a lot of questions. They are in a constant battle between trusting people and trusting themselves.

I’ll admit I’m not an easy person to love. So I appreciate the people who do.

Mariam x